So You Want to Read a Strange Slash Fic
by Ms. Donovan and Ms. Midnight
Summary: Kiddie slash abound. Beware. An experiment in a never before written slash pairing. NarniaEarthsong crossover. Goatboys. Enquire within...


**Okay, well...**

** How to explain this? Kali and I (Semine) were working on some paperwork for the LoBS, and I submitted a form for Zaebos. I had submitted a form for Mr. Tumnus earlier, and Kali (gods bless her perverted little mind! (No, really, I'm being sincere!)) came up with the following pairing. I took it upon myself to pester her into helping me write the following. Everything else I blame on oxygen, ice cubes, antidepressants, and too much work and not enough brain.  
**

**Zaebos copyright the Lady (Crystal) Yates**

**Mr. Tumnus copyright C.S. Lewis (but picture him as the actor from the movie for this)**

**Origin of this pairing copyright Kali Donovan**

**Furthering of the pairing copyright Kali Donovan and Semine Midnight**

**(_I'm going to hell for this. What's really sad is that I'm already writing more..._)

* * *

**

**The Origin: Goofing Off Via Email  
**

**Kali: **Mister Zaebos, I would like to congratulate you on behalf of the (Soon To Be) Card Carrying Fangirls of the League of Bishu Shonen! W00T!

**Zaebos:** _I have read your docket and mission statement and I must say that this society is rather..._unsavory_. I wish to find some way to exit this society..._

**Kali: **Uhmm... Not possible mister- May I call you Zaeby?-

**Zaebos (Zaeby):**_ Good Earthsong, no!_

**Kali: **Great! Now, Zaeby, this is a great honor. And I assure you that your honor, however little, will not be smudged. It will, in fact, improve you social standing, showing to the world that you are arousing and/or k3wl10 enough to be praised by the l33t people of Fangirls.

**Zaebos:** _I will ignore that blatant assault on my honor and instead ask what the hell 'k3wl10' and 'l33t' are, and what devilish impulse led you to use them in conversation._

**Kali: **Shut up, hooves. k3wl10 is kewlio is coolio is cool. l33t is leet is elite. There. Brought up to yer frickin' speed. Now get back in front of the camera! I've got abomonations and crimes against nature to film!

**Zaebos:** _I must object to this outfit..._

**Tumnus:**_ Hell, Zaeby, you don't know the half of it.__  
_  
**Zaebos: **_Mister Tumnus? Whatever are you doing here and- What are you wearing, my dear Tummy?_

**Tumnus:**_Well, the crazy chick found out about our affair, got this little glint in her eye, and brought out the camcorder. _

**Zaebos:**_It was supposed to be a secret!_

**Tumnus: **_Sorry dear. I'll make it up to you._

**Zaebos:**_ Alright. But Miss Cae-chan, please turn of that infernal device._

**Kali: **Alright. heh heh heh... I'm gettin this on tape... I'll leave the costumes up to your guttermind!

* * *

**Author's Mid-Chapter Notes**

_**Kali: It was funny when I wrote it, I swear! I had never intended it to go this far! I don't know how she got her hands on it!**_

_** Semine: I found the cheese-doodles, let's write this bad boy...hey! Are you ranting at the readers behind my back?  
**_

_**Kali: ...((shifts eyes))...mebbe.**_

_**Semine: Look! A seagull!**_

_**Kali: Where? ((turns))  
**_

_**Semine: ((whacks Kali with a brick, knocking her out)) No more ranting for you! On with the goodness! ...By the way, I tried...uhm...fourty-eleven of your pills! I like the little cherry flavored ones that make your angsties g-g-g-g-g-g-go**__** away! **_(that whole thing should be said a la Pillz-E)_** WHOOSH! ((flies away into the sunset))**_

And that's the true story of how the writer got high on actual drugs (not really) for the first time. On with the goodness!_**  
**_

* * *

**And So It Begins: Story the First**

The door locked behind him and he leaned his back against the door, trying to bite back a groan of frustration. The snow froze his hooves, and he shook one, then the other, half-heartedly.

'You love acting...you love acting...you love acting,' he repeated in his head, slipping his coat off of his shoulders and hanging it up on the coat tree. Pulling his glasses off of his face, he rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Darling?" he called in his soft voice, expecting to hear his lover's response. Silence, cold as the outside, greeted him.

Frowning, he pushed his glasses back onto his face and clicked into the kitchen. There was a note on the dinner table, and he picked it up, recognizing his beloved's hurried, spidery handwriting.

'_Z-_

_Something in court just came up. Had to go. Was nearly bound, gagged, and dragged there. They are poking me now and threatening the good china. Must dash. Promise to be back by supper, problem resolved or not. Save me a kiss!  
_

_ -T_

P.S. Happy Valentines' Day!'

Zaebos allowed himself a small smile and glanced at the clock. The smile vanished as he saw that the number read 8:27. Far past supper.

* * *

Tumnus sighed as he saw the time on the watch of the passing salesman. He was running late. And Zaebos, being the _charmingly_ neurotic and _endearingly_ obsessive person he was, would be calling the cops _and_ FBI _and_ CIA _and_ Aslan's Guard _and_ Haven's Guard (both the acting troupe and the actual guard of Haven) _and_ the Card Carrying Fangirls of the League of Bishu Shonen. (The thought of the CCFotLoBS getting anywhere near Zaebos scared Tumnus royally.) 

And he still needed to find a Valentine's Day gift for his lover. A necklace or bracelet wouldn't work; Zaebos was allergic to all beautiful flowers (except for zinnias, but Zaebos didn't like zinnias). And all the chocolate stores were out. All around a bad day.

Making a dash for the Tube **(AN: Yes, they are in England, pervs who think that the Tube is anything but a train system.)**, Tumnus managed to slip into his train at the very last second, making it the only event that had gone well this day. The seats were full, and Tumnus shuffled back and forth on his aching hooves, trying to think.

* * *

Sitting down in one of the kitchen stairs, Zaebos sighed and stretched out his legs. Running a hand down the soggy fur on his right leg, he pondered the lilies that sat in the hall. Despite nearly giving himself a nasal lobotomy from sneezing, he was pleased he got them and hoped that Tumnus –if and when he got home- would enjoy them.

* * *

The air was cold. Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. Too cold. And he only had a red scarf.

Abandoning the search for a gift and deciding to let Zaebos be on top the next time, Tumnus wrapped his arms around himself and trudged through the snow toward their flat, a wintry and frigid three blocks away.

* * *

Zaebos looked out the window that faced the street. A figure was trudging in the snow. A figure with a red scarf.

He smiled, and pulled on his coat.

* * *

And to top it all off, Tumnus tripped on some refuse on the street, ten feet from the flat, falling schnoz first into six inches of _coldcoldcoldcoldcold_. Tumnus discarded all hope of a decent end to the day, not even bothering to get up off of the ground for several seconds. He was sure he gained some rather strange stares, but he didn't care. He was cold, going numb in certain uncomfortable places. 

"Dear heart?" a familiar voice asked him, causing Tumnus to smile wearily into the snow.

"Not exactly dear and the heart's stopping, but I believe that I am the person in question."

"Horrid day?"

"No. My vocabulary and general persnickitieness **(AN: It's a word...)** goes up this time every month due to hormones."

"Shall I leave you in the snow?" Tumnus could almost hear his lover's raised eyebrow.

"I would not mind, but it would lower the chances of your getting laid tonight."

"Have a good evening, then." Hearing the sound of hooves trudging away in the snow, Tumnus forced himself into a half-sitting position. He heard Zaebos turn around.

"Dearest," the reddish man said, "you're blue."

"It's happened before. I'm afraid that it might clash with the scarf. And, tragically, there is only one cure."

"I can hazard a guess as to what that might be."

"I'm sure you can." Tumnus scuffled, with some difficulty, to his hooves, and staggered inside. "You got me lilies!"

"I noticed." Sneeze. "Shall I put on some tea?"

"Ohhhhh, yesssssss."

"I haven't even taken off my robe and you're all ready moaning for me."

Tumnus scowled and removed his scarf. "You're cheeky tonight." His eyes widened as Zaebos whirled around on him and placed a fingertip underneath his chin and an arm around his waist, smiling devilishly.

"Glad to hear you approve," the demon purred softly. Pulling back sensuously, the effect was only slightly spoiled by the fact that Zaebos sneezed violently afterwards. Smiling slightly, he walked into the kitchen, leaving Tumnus with a much-lowered jaw.

Slowly hanging up his scarf and shutting his mouth, Tumnus squeaked, "I think you just defrosted me, love."

"Glad to hear that I can be of use," Zaebos replied from the kitchen. Tumnus followed him in.

* * *

**Behold! The dinkiest ending EVAR! **

**But it does its job. This would probably go more smoothly if you went and read Earthsong (google search it...it's the web comic) and if you had ever seen or read the books of Narnia with Tumnus in them. I personally recommend both.  
**

**All protests,exclamations of horror (I'm looking at you, Mr. Cowan...), props, insults, and banishments should be sent in review form by clicking the little wee button below. Hope you enjoyed!**


End file.
